"ZERO"
By
Cecily Knobler

Los Angeles is weightless. I’m not sure if the smog interferes with the natural laws of gravity or if this defiance is concocted by the gray matter of humans, but either way, it floats. It hovers above California in the form of Supermodels (superhumans), actors, and heroin pop-stars getting smaller and smaller until it vanishes into air that’s already thin.

My “eating disorder” days ended in high school. When anorexia got too boring, I tried (once) to puke up a festive salad, and I ended up getting distracted by my own reflection in the mirror. “My eye is kinda lazy when I look up”, I thought and thus ended my obsession with weight, and began my obsession with my eye. That was it. I told myself that once I left my Texas home, I’d never worry about food again. How could I have known this f#$king Atkins guy would be the next Angelino guru, becoming the “EST” of the new millennium? How was I to know that talk of this diet and the gym and “are there CARBS in that?” would dominate every single conversation? You simply can’t be small enough here, I’ve found, as I hover between a size two and a size four. So ironic that you’re nothing unless you’re a zero.

My Mom, in her early days, was a professional ballet dancer. Try that one on for size. Oh you probably can’t, as it’ll be too big for your tiny hips. She had us on a macrobiotic diet from the time we were seven and in typical dancer mentality, she often measured beauty in weight. She is a lovely lady and certainly meant well, but she sure did kick-start the crazy in me! (I’m sure I would have found a way to be crazy, regardless.) Words like “cellulite” and “problem areas” entered my sphere way too early. But I told myself if I could just get through high school on rice cakes and diet cokes, I’d allow myself freedom from this bullshit upon graduation.

A woman I know, just yesterday over lunch, said she thought that Paris Hilton should lose a few pounds. I asked her how it would be possible to become less than zero. I suggested, perhaps Paris should have her electrons removed or reversed with the protons in her atoms creating kind of an anti-matter effect. The woman stared at me blankly for a minute and finally said, “please tell me you’re not gonna eat that bread.” When I said no and offered it to her, I swear she said, “Umm, hello carbs! How are you?”

There was nothing left to say so I ordered a chocolate sundae. While my lunch mate watched in horror, I called my Mother and made her listen to every delicious bite. It was delightful to hear them squirm.